Every Little Helps – But Having A Lot Is Just So Much Easier

I was doing really really well.

Four months into my new life in London – and i had so far managed to avoid giving any money to a homeless person. Ok, so maybe i shouldn’t be so proud that i clearly do not have even one drop of humanity left running through my veins. Judge me as you will, but before you do can i just point out that you don’t know the half of it. Me and the homeless – yeah, we’ve got history. We just don’t gel. If i’m honest, i think a lot of it’s my fault – because as Emma pointed out in my previous post - i am a social cripple. It all boils down to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings really…

My Top 5 Tips on Communicating Effectively with the Homeless Community:

1. DON’T offer them left over Pizza. Even if it’s really really nice pizza, that’s still warm in it’s box because you’ve only just left the restuarant. (Pizza Express Padana – you know who you are!) Apparently this is considered an offensive act to some members of the homeless community – but others will bite your fingers off for just a taste of the doughy goodness. Such an act has been referred to as, and i quote: “No better than how you would treat a stray cat. Do i look like a cat?”  – He didn’t. He had less hair.  Although, little did he know, i actually hate cats and would never dream of wasting pizza on the revolting creatures. It also might be worth noting at this point, that you should probably check with the homeless person in question whether they have any allergies or intolernaces before you offer them the food. Lets face it, even a mild wheat or lactose intolerance aint gonna be too pretty when you havn’t got direct access to a toilet. If i were you, i’d just keep the pizza and save it for breakfast.

2. DO NOT TRY AND BUY THEIR DOG. Even if it is really cute and has sad sad eyes. I have no further advice to offer on this matter, only shame. Just don’t do it. Hangovers are bad enough, without waking up to a flea bitten dog thats pooed in your shoe.

3. When you’re getting money out of the cash machine, and it pauses while it counts all those lovely crisp folding notes and you hear that oh so comforting mechanical whirring noise – DO NOT under any circumstances repeat the following sentence, LOUDLY:

“OH GOD! I LOVE the sound of having money!” – It’s insensitive.  

4. ALWAYS keep 20p in a pocket that is easy to access – it will help you avoid those awkward situations when you mistake a 20 pence piece for a quid – they’ve seen it, they know you have it, you don’t want to give it them, you want them to think you’re generous, but you’re not actually that generous and you can’t retract the quid now.

From personal experience which i won’t go into,  i know all too well that saying “I can’t give you that, I need it for a trolley.”          Does. Not. Work. They don’t buy it, and will just think you’re a prick. And if anything, it’s only going to remind them that they haven’t had the luxury of using a trolley in a long time  – unless it was to keep all their bags of crap and belongings in. (I jest)

5. DO NOT try and explain why you are dressed as a Minstrel in a town centre on a saturday night, with references to the DVD box set of a popular TV show that the character you are dressed as happens to be in. Chances are they won’t have seen it, and despite you’re efforts to convince them otherwise they are still going to shout “RACIST” at you.

I hope that helps.

 You may have noticed that i have a bit of a habit of digressing massively – i can’t apologise enough for that. You’ll get used to it. This is only our third date remember, we’ve still got a lot to learn about each other. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve worn that same top on our last two dates. It would be nice if you made a little more effort next time.

 Back to the intial reason for this Blog. There is a lovely homelss guy – i say lovely but we’ve never actually spoken, but he has a nice face and smiles back when you smile at him so i think that means he’s a nice person. Who may or may not have made some very badly informed choices in life. He sits outside Sainsburys by where i live, everyday. Just quietly sitting. The first time i saw him i wanted to give him some money but something stopped me. I realised that if i gave him money once, i’d be unwittingly entering into a silent contract that whenever i passed him to do my weekly shop; i’d give him money.

I wasn’t ready for such a commitment. I mean what if one week, i over spent on my shopping and had no change to give him because i just had to have the Extra Special Honey Roast Wafer Thin Ham instead of my usual value range. Selfish, i know – but geez have you seen that value ham? It’s like something thats been cut off Vanessa Feltzs thighs. How could i possibly walk past him and exchange polite smiles with armfuls of plastic bags  full to the brim of decadant treats without looking light a slightly smug twat?

You’ll be pleased to know that i stopped over analyzing the situation and worrying about my pride and just gave him some money. It must have been horrendous for him with all the snow we’ve been having, i mean i’ve been inside a house, with heating, and a bed, and i’ve still found myself petrified that i would wake up one morning having lost a toe. So god knows how he has coped.

So here i stand, a slightly less ignorant person than i was four months ago, with an odd weekly direct debit contract with a homeless man – and a pack of value ham. Hardly a saint, but hey – at least i’m trying.

You don’t bring me flowers anymore.

Love me x