Spitting Images? Spitting Venom

“If everybody looked the same – we’d get tired of looking at each other.” – Groove Armada

I disagree. My life would actually be much more pleasant because people wouldn’t be able to draw comparisons between my face, and that of mythical creatures and ‘celebrities’ (I’m using that term in the loosest sense, you understand).

 Although, that would mean that we would put a lot of the worlds’ finest celebrity look-a-likes out of business. Stars in their Eyes would never have existed – which would just be a travesty to mankind. “Tonight Matthew, i’m going to be, You. I guess?”  – see, it wouldn’t work.

And what if we all looked like Gary Glitter? That’s not a world I want to live in – children…with Gary Glitters face? I suppose that’s better than children on… no, I can’t say that. It’s Sunday morning; Jesus might hear.

Then again, on a serious note – the world might have been a better place. Mr Glitter may never have been tempted to commit those ‘alleged’ crimes – otherwise that would be sex offending on a whole new narcissistic level. There would be no inferior/superior complex, no one would be famous and rich because we would all earn the same money so there would be no crime; we would just be jolly, gay Glitterites. We would all be in his gang, and collectively put the gang in bang. People would be much kinder, helping to keep each other’s eyebrows in check, sharing ‘fro combs and hairspray, even swapping platforms. Selfishness wouldn’t exist. Although you’re bound to get at least one bad egg eventually…sitting in a cave, on the other side of Glittearth, perfectly coiffed hair hidden away under a turban, just wearing plain calico two-piece and plotting. Plotting endlessly, to release new genres of music and a range of shoes designed to make us all look deceptively shorter. That bastard.

It’s confusing innit? I just don’t know what would be for the best?  Damn you Groove Armada – look what you made me do.

Let me get back on track here. Basically, I’m be the first to admit that I have an odd face. Depending on my hairstyle, quality of sleep and weight fluctuation – my face can apparently mould into that of many others. That’s right; I’m a D-List Celebrity Shape Shifter. Oh, what it is to be me.

I’ve been likened to many people over the years, and I can genuinely see the resemblance in most of them – which is disturbing and about as comforting as having Michael Barrymore as a lifeguard.

So here’s my Top Ten Apparent Look-a-Likes – in no particular order:

1. Jimmy Kranky – I can’t fault it. Put me in a blazer and some shorts and i’m one half of one the most incestuous double acts that ever lived. Look at it. That is actually my face. I should have taken advantage of the opportunity when she mashed her leg up in Panto the other year – i could have made a few quid.

2. Charlie Dimmock – I like to think this comparison was made because it was at a point in my life that i had long ‘warm’ curly hair. Although, I can’t help but think that maybe I should have booked in for my bra fitting at Marks and Spencers much sooner than i did. Be warned, if you stare at this picture for too long your eyes will stick looking east and west. It’s like your face getting stuck in the wind.

3. Pink!  – She has short hair and a quiff – I had short hair and a quiff. She has pelvic bones – I’m not even entirely sure what pelvic bones are. Ridiculous.

4.       La Roux – I resent this.  

5.       The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – Me and the child catcher, we are as one. Only he’s got better dress sense, and much more sinister hobbies.  

 6. ‘A Fat Shirley from Eastenders’ – No comment. Except, thank god they didn’t say Heather.

7. ‘Heather from Eastenders’ – Oh shit.

*Please note at this point that my self esteem starts to plummet rapidly, even as I type.

 8. Michaela McQueen (Hollyoaks) - That’s better. Although she’s got a skinnier face, and i’d look like a dick in a bow. Both of us have red hair, and neither of us appears to have a top lip. So we have that in common at least.

*Self esteem rising just ever so slightly…

9. Smeagol – Having never seen any of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I didn’t quite get this one – although I knew it wasn’t going to be much of a compliment because from what i gather the films are about goblins and jewellery or something equally as dull. But upon googling – i have to say – i agree. That is me  - with long hair.

*and…BANG! Self esteem at minus ‘I Hate Myself’.

10. Gollum  - And that is me, just getting out of the shower; drying myself with some sort of rabbit. Nice.

So there you go.

If you’ve never met me – then just imagine an amalgamation of all those faces. You picturing that? That’s my face. Hold on to that thought…

Exaclty…  i don’t know why i’m single either.

Feel free to let me know if there is any one I may have missed off the list – i’d hate to get complacent with my looks.

Fandabbydosey xx