The Person You are Calling Knows you are Waiting. And Couldn’t Give a Toss.

No offence to Elena – it’s not her fault. I just hope that printing this transcript of my dealings with Credit Card giants call centre today, truly shames whoever employed her or taught her English.

It’s worrying that they say “some calls may be recorded for training purposes.” God knows what the poor git before me got lumbered with. At least I could imagine that Elena was beautiful – that was her one saving grace. Akhmed however…

Me: Hello?

 Elena: Hello?

Me: Hello.

Elena: Hello?

Me: Hello. (I wasn’t going to help her out here.)

Elena: Umm, I’m looking for a Miss (pause) Karen (longer pause) Bevan?

Me: Yes, that’s me, Hello.

Elena: This is Elena from Capital One, Hello. (much faster this time, her English is really coming on leaps and bounds)

 Me: Hi. (thought I’d mix it up a bit, formal Hellos can get quite tedious)

Elena: Hi. (ooh, I’ve rubbed off on her there. A connection, I like it.)

Can I just do some security checks to confirm that you are a Miss Karen Bevan?

Me: Yep.

*Boring run of the mill security checks ensue, with amusing miscommunication regarding some bravado about some Yankees going to a hotel in Delta. I don’t know who they are, but Elena sounded really annoyed that they were going away- she was probably a bit jealous cause she’s stuck at work on a Saturday while they’re out galavanting. To be honest, I think she just needed a chat.

Elena: Ok, Miss Karen Bevan. You’re account is currently outstanding £35.17.

Me: Yeah, I know, sorry. I lost my bankcard and I’ve been waiting like two weeks for it to come through. So i havn’t bothered answering my phone because I knew I couldn’t pay you. But it came through yesterday, so it’s fine now.

*She wasn’t quite as receptive when I wanted to chat – if anything, she was a little hostile.

Elena: Miss Bevan. Your account is currently outstanding at the amount of £35.17.

Me: Yeah I know, sorry. Like I said, I had no card, but now I have – so I can pay you now.

 Elena: Mmmm.

 Me: Mmmm?

Elena: Mmmm. You don’t have a card?

Me: No I do. I do have a card.

Elena: Miss Bevan, when are you planning to pay us? (No wonder those Yanks went on holiday without her – she’s got quite a temper)

Me: Umm now. I’ll pay you now – like I said.

Elena: Mmmm.

 Me: Mmmm. Yeah, I’ll pay you now.

Elena: Mmmm. (I hate her. I actually hate her)

Elena: When will you have your card Miss Bevan?

Me: Now. I’ve got it now. I’ve got it here in my hand.

Elena: You have the card in your hand now?

*It started to feel like I was involved in some sort of 999 re-enactment of a distressed phone call. There was a definitely a berk present. But it wasn’t Michael…

Me: Yes – here. I have it here. In my hand. (I scratch the card on the voice piece because she seems to have some trust issues) I’ll pay you now. Whatever the remainder was, I’ll pay it all now.

Elena: Oh (giggles uncontrollably). Sorry – I misunderstood you. I thought that you said that you didn’t have a card.

*Seriously, she’s either Schizo or Bi Polar; one of the two. But then I’m still tempted to put my money on ‘thick as pig shit’.

 Me: No, sorry. I did say that, but I have got one now, I was ju – you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’ll pay you now, how much was it?

Elena: How much do you want to pay today Miss Bevan?

* What is the point in asking that? I want to pay a pound at the most, but I’d prefer to pay nothing at all – but being as you are the one that has rang me at 6pm on a Saturday afternoon demanding money from me – I’m guessing you already have a ballpark figure in mind…

Me: All of it. I want to pay all of it.

Elena: You’re account is currently outstanding a payment of £35.17 – would you like to pay the full amount of £35.17?

Me: Yes. Yes. That’s fine.

Elena: Ok Miss Bevan – you have agreed to pay the outstanding amount of £35.17. So £35.17 will be debited from your account and will show up on your statement as Crapital One.

Me: Yep, brilliant. Thank you. Can you set me up with a monthly Direct Debit so I don’t ever have to do this again?

Elena: Hold the line please.

Me: Ok.

Elena: Hold the line please.

 Elena: Hold the line please.

Elena: Hold the line please, Miss Bevan.

Me: I’m holding.

Elena: Thank you. Hold the line please.

*Longest pause ever………………..

Elena: Miss Bevan you do not currently have a Direct Debit set up with us.

OH FUCK OFF!!

Dial tone…………..

Moral of the story…for gods sake stick to their script when they call you. Never stray from the script.

Call Me xx

*Elena’s name has been changed to retain her anonymity – and dignity.