The Best Things In Life Are Free…

They’re not.

If the best things in life are free – then why do we have Verrucas? Or Salmonella?

There’s loads of free things in life that are shit.

See – it’s bollocks. I know it’s supposed to be all deep and philosophical, like love and nature and kindness and smiles or whatever. But if we are going to put a price on true happiness, and that price is going to be free – then i have a few suggestions of my own.

So I decided to compile my very own Top 5 list of the best things in my shallow world that really ARE free:

• Greggs Samples – How do you feel when you see a chopped up steak slice or a some crumbled up cookie chunks in the distance on the counter? Good yeah? Elated? Overwhelmed? Excited? Aroused? All of the above. In fact this is not specific to Greggs, I’m no Freeist - this covers all free samples. From cheese chunks on the top of the deli counter in Asda, a perfumed page in the middle of the Avon catalogue right down to the free glass of Babycham they give you at a 20% Off Day at Dorothy Perkins. I don’t care what you are, you’re free, so I’m going to eat/sniff/rub/drink you up until I’m overdosing on your lack of monetary value. A lesser woman could suffocate in such luxury.

 

• A Monkey Nut With 3 Nuts In - THREE! In case you’re not familiar with the monkey nut, its shape will generally only house two peanuts inside its woody cocoon. But occasionally, very occasionally you’ll find three of those nutty little mother fuckers in there and my GOD will you be happy. I imagine it’s not dissimilar to the feeling you must get when you get three numbers on the lottery…

 

• Finding A Foreign Object In Some Pre-Packaged Food – this is the best kind of Free. Free that at best leads to some sort of compensation win and at worst is a two page spread in a menopausal woman’s magazine worth £250. Free that just keeps on giving.

 

• Free Drinks – Don’t worry about who brought it. Or how sinister their intentions might be. Because right here, right now; this is a free drink. This is alcohol that you didn’t have to pay for. And even if it’s something that you think you might ‘pay for’ later in the evening, or the next morning for that matter – that free beer is really going to help you forget it.

And finally…

•  Last Will and Testaments – Nuff said. Before you get all chopsy on me, yeah, yeah, I know…you’d rather still have the person with you, money can’t buy your love or your memories and you can’t put a price on life and all that business. But bloody hell, a few grand is certainly going to come in pretty handy, innit… ?

 

“My love don’t cost a thing” – Jennifer Lopez – #18 Forbes Female Rich List, 2007.

Mines a pint xx