My Milkshake Brings All the Boys To The Yard – And Then It Makes Them Sick

The Eastern Europeans Guide to Woo-ing a Lady in London

1. Choose a cafe or preferably, a nondescript fried chicken outlet. This is a very important part of the system as it will become your ‘patch’, and will also dramatically affect the type of woman you are likely to meet. Don’t think you could ever love a woman who eats a chicken leg like a Lion eats a Zebra in the Serengeti, and has fingers so greasy that she struggles to hold onto her purse like a bar of soap in the shower? Then move. London has a rather remarkable selection of rather unremarkable, 30% meat-based eateries in most boroughs. If the woman of your dreams is a late night, or even mid-day processed meat fan – then this may be the best option for you. And believe me– she will look even more beautiful when she’s basking in the glow of delicate Neon lighting.

 2. Now that you have selected your chosen ‘patch’; you must stay there. You are not permitted to move any further than a 3ft radius of the doorway to your takeaway. If you are really are serious about woo-ing, you need to be willing. This means long hours. You should expect to be there for at least 14 hours a day.  It’s a full time job and should not directly affect any benefits you may be receiving.  You may want to bring a chair. The more experienced amongst you may already be aware of the advantages of setting up a small seating area, two metal chairs and a small wonky picnic table should suffice.

 3. You now need to consider forming a small gang. Endlessly woo-ing ungrateful and often repulsed women can be a lonely job; invite some friends to join you and keep you company. Be careful to keep a sensible balance in the group, around four to five of you should be just intimidating enough for women and children passing by, even some men. But it is not too intimidating that it may force them to cross the street to avoid you – and therefore directly into the arms of a rival group of woo-ers at an opposing takeaway. Personality is a key part of this group formation. You need to ensure that you have a ringleader, who is very loud and obnoxious and speaks slightly better, if not stilted English than the rest of you. The other members need to be made up of confident people who are not afraid of forced social interaction with strangers, or rejection – and at least one of you must never speak and have perfected the art of an intense rapey glare.     

 It is useful at this point to mention that the ‘rapey glare’ is a practical way to ensure that all women will feel thoroughly uncomfortable in your presence; and is something that can be practiced in between woos on slow days. Ask your mute friend to show you how to do it.

4. This brings us to the act of wooing itself. You should limit your English to as few key words as possible. ‘Hello Baby’ is a particularly useful phrase. ‘Mmm, you is nice’, ‘I like you Baby. Where you going? Talk to me Baby! Ooooh!’ is also a foolproof chat up line. You should repeat this phrase incessantly as the woman walks hurriedly away from you until she is out of view or another woman walks by. She will like that.  Remember you can’t afford to be picky, so don’t discriminate against any woman. You must approach them all, even the ugly ones. Throw in the occasional wolf whistle if you want to make them feel special – this will help them with their self esteem.  If you really like one particular woman, and she is ignoring your existence as is commonplace with this type of job, you should probably just grab her. Hold her hands really tight for at least ten threatening seconds then release her and snigger. Passers-by probably won’t intervene, even though she is struggling and quite obviously petrified.

 5. Don’t ever expect to actually meet a woman this way. And if a woman ever does respond to your advances, you should probably avoid her. She is clearly mentally unstable.

 Good luck.

p.s If you do ever end up going to prison –  which can be an occupational hazard in this type of post – i will happily be your pen pal.

My Warmest Woos and Wishes.

Kaz

BANG xx