I Love My Mom

I haven’t had the urge to write a rap song about her just yet, but that does not mean that I love my mom any less than Mr.T loves his.*

He just gets the added perk of royalties.

She has raised, nurtured, loved and cared for me all my life  and still continues to do so, but most importantly –  she has amused me. And for that, I thank her and encourage her to keep up the good work. I imagine that it can get quite disillusioning when after years of hard graft you find yourself lumbered with a 25 year old student who:

  1. Unashamedly belly laughs whenever she hears a fart.
  2. Purposely puts things on high shelves because you are shorter than her so you can’t reach them – and will watch you struggle with much delight.
  3. Eats your entire packed lunch you prepared for work when she’s drunk – even if she doesn’t like bacon and pickled cabbage sandwiches.
  4. Sometimes pretends she has a clubfoot when you’re out shopping together.
  5. Tells people you hit her.
  6. Gets you in a headlock and sits on your legs until you’re about 30seconds away from suffering a severe spinal injury.
  7. Rings you up in the middle of the night and just shouts: “Mom!… Mom!… Mom!…MOM! Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM!!” down the phone at you, knowing full well that you won’t hang up just in case she is in genuine danger. In my defence, Jules was present for this, and she’s older than me so she should know better.   
  8. Still can’t add up.
  9. Slaps the sunburn on the back of your neck as hard as she can. Every summer. Without fail.
  10. Thinks making you a cup of tea means you owe her the world.   

Honestly – Babsy has the patience of  all the saints. And some. Even I wouldn’t like me, if i met me. So thank god they didn’t have those 4D pregnancy scans when i was  born. I imagine it would be very hard to stick to your personal morals when the doctor shows you that you have something resembling Duncan Goodhew growing inside you.

Anyone that knows me should know by now that I live by the ‘Deeper the Bruise, The Deeper The Love’ motto. So if I do take the piss out of you – it’s only because I love you. I just don’t know how to show it.   

 I like to call it ‘Enjoying You’.

My mom provides me with much amusement. Largely against her will, but I love her for it. Living away from home, I had been missing it and her, somewhat.

Until I checked my post one day.

And Mom had sent me this (Click on it. You might need to zoom in to get the full benefit):

 That’s right.

She killed my dog.

And forwarded me the bill. 

And for that, I love her even more.

 Touche Mom. Touche.

 R.I.P Patch.

That was a good 15 years we had together.

And the worst £151.95 I ever spent.

 Woof xxx

*I thought it was only appropriate that you were offered the chance to hear the rap in question. Seriously, Mr.T – motherhood is the most selfless act that a person can do. This is not the best way to express your gratitude. Especially not in public.



Filed under Good God I need A Hobby

2 responses to “I Love My Mom

  1. Two things:

    1: LOL. I’ve had five whiskey and cokes, but still. LOL
    2: They do VAT on dog-euthanasia? WTF? What exactly is the value added for putting down a dog?

  2. jo

    i cant believe patch is gone!! this is sad sad news! plus i had no idea how expensive it was to put a dog down! bloody hell !

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