Can’t take you anywhere…

Elvis was right…a little less conversation, a little more action please. Sometimes I need to learn to shut my big fat mouth because no good ever comes out of opening it.

At the doctors…

 Doctor: Miss Bevan, come in. Take a seat.

Me: Hi, Cheers. Here? Thanks. (wincing)

Doctor: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: I’m not really sure. I’m in a lot of pain. I hurt all over, like from here on my stomach, all around and down my back.

Doctor: Uh huh. Uh huh. (Clearly just humouring me)

 Me: It’s like I can’t move. It really hurts. Everywhere.  It’s been like this since yesterday.

Doctor: Ok, let’s see. Well what was the last thing you ate?

Me: Errrm, I had some beans on toast for tea last night.

Doctor: Right… (He writes this down, I don’t know why, it’s a very basic recipe) And have you had any stomach cramps?

Me: Well yeah, I suppose, it all just really really hurts. (Pathetic, I know)

Doctor:  Have you experienced any vomiting?

Me: A bit, yeah.

Doctor: Diarrhoea?

Me: Umm, yeah. (I smirked. Because I’m a child)

There was a brief silence as he scribbled some stuff down. He seemed to take ages – probably couldn’t remember how many ‘R’s’ are in Diarrhoea. It’s a tricky word, like ‘necessary’.  Thank god this spell checker makes me look slightly more intelligent than I should really be given credit for.

 Doctor: And you said before, is it running down your legs?

Me: No. I was on a toilet.

Doctor: No, Miss Bevan. I meant the pain.

Me: Oh.

 

At home talking to a friend of my Hungarian housemate at the time…

Me: Do you like many British comedies?

Dave: I know, some – like Fawlty Towers?

 Me: Oh yeah, that’s funny man. But you should try watching something a little bit more contemporary. Have you heard of The Inbetweeners? It’s filth. They say filthy things –  but it’s funny.

Dave: Funny?

Me: Oh yeah, Fanny. They say that a lot. But they call it Clunge…

 

Helping a French housemate with linguistics…

Emilie: Karen. What fruit is that? How do you call it?

Me: Umm…Grapefruit.

Emilie: Ummgrapefruit? (Said in a broad Dudley accent with a French twang)

Me: Oh no. Umm. I mean, it’s – ummmm…Grapefruit.

Emilie: Ummmmmmmgrapefruit? (Even broader Dudley accent)

Me: No, no. As in…umm a Grapefruit.

Emilie: Ummagrapefruit?

Me: No. Grapefruit. It’s a Grapefruit. You shouldn’t talk to me.

Emilie: Ok.

 

At work…

 

 Joy: It was awful. I just sat there, holding her. And she died in my arms.

Me: Oh god. That’s horrible.

Joy: I know.

 There was a brief silence as we both carried on solemnly with our work…

Me: *sings* “I was dying in your arms tonight! It must have been something you said…”

I needn’t explain the rest…

 

Helping a disabled lady with directions…

Lady: Excuse me. Do you know how to get to the Regent Theatre from here?

Me: Oh yeah man, sure. What you want to do is w-

A really long pause ensues as I stop myself from saying ‘walk’. She stares me square in the eye as I stand there completely frozen by equal measures of political correctness and stupidity. Then I say…

Me: Roll. Roll down the road until you come to a barrier. Turn left. Then keep rolling. Roll as far as you can until you can’t roll anymore…and it should be on your right.

Lady: Thanks. (Sarcastically)

Me: Hey, no probs. Do you want me to come with you?

Lady: No.

She rolls away with dignity.

As I walk away sheepishly.

 

On a date…yes with a man.

Bloke: Back in a sec, I’m just going to nip to the toilet.

Me: Hey, take your time. Have fun, yeah?

 Bloke: Stares blankly.

Me: I don’t know why I said that.

Because I’m clearly soo attractive that a man would find that he needs to ‘excuse himself’ halfway through dinner…

 

Hear No Evil. See No Evil. Speak No Evil.  

BANG xx

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3 Comments

Filed under Good God I need A Hobby

3 responses to “Can’t take you anywhere…

  1. jo

    omg!!! the conversation with ‘joy’ made me laugh so much!!!

  2. Mark

    The ‘grapefruit’ one is excellent.

  3. Carnage

    “You gotta Roll with it,you gotta take your time….”.That made me so happy,I actually had giggles because I could actually imagine you saying that…sigh, It’s a shame you were too drunk to remember trying to buy the bull dog off the smack heads on the bus and of course my personal favorite “I have no money for chips but BUT i have this” hands clerk a handful of used tissues,a pot of eyelash glue and a eyeshadow brush……never change…ever.

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