The Chocolate Van Business Plan

SO…it’s Easter. God or Jesus or someone did something brilliant around this time, alot of years ago, but i forget what it is because in a vain attempt at irony – i gave up Christianity for Lent.

Oh yes, that’s right, i remember – God made chocolate.But not just any normal chocolate. Egg shaped chocolate.  It was highly controversial in biblical times, because they had never seen or tasted anything quite like it. They thought they were Hen droppings. A plague worse than locusts. An outbreak of Hens with incontinent bowels.

Biblical people were all very thick you see. I put it down to a birth defect due to the fact they were probably all inbred – nothing is sacred in a barn. 

They even thought Jesus could turn water into wine. He couldn’t – it was just a jug of squash. The joker. Jesus was like that you see. Always messing about, he was such a card. He did it so much though, that he got quite irritating. The last straw for the Israelites was when he pretended  to feed five thousand people with just a few loaves of bread and some fish. Everyone was amazed and thought he’d performed some sort of miracle. He hadn’t, he’d just used some clever trickery with a set of fairground mirrors. The people got really pissed off when they went to grab some fish and smashed their hands into a mirror. Jesus just laughed. He made them look like right twats.

But he’s not to be looked up to or admired, because his childishness backfired on him. And his next prank was to cost him his life. He pretended to nail himself to a cross so he could recreate the final scene of the only film ever made at the time ‘Monty Pythons Life of Brian’.

But the silly beggar actually DID nail himself to the cross. (God knows how he knocked in the left nail – everyone knows Jesus was left handed) Everyone was so sick of all his jokes, and still reeling from ‘FishSandwichGate’ that they just ignored him.

And so he bled to death. Like i said, i forget the rest… ask Matthew; he’ll know.

On a lighter note – being as it is Easter and i’m a little bored, i’ve been looking for a job. And i think i found the perfect one for me. Apart from being paid to merely exist – that would be pretty brilliant.

I found an advertisement on Gumtree for someone to ‘run a chocolate van’. Driving around, selling chocolate out of the window of an ice cream style van. Easy.

One problem though – the person specification:


1. Have physical strength and be able to lift water bottles and brownie batches – Check. If being a fat kid has taught me anything – it’s that i can lift a batch of brownies. And some. Hell, my left arm is like a bowlers.

2. It’s a fun world when you work in a chocolate van – but it’s important that you don’t lose your head among the mayhem.  – Check. Being as i’m not a 6 year old, i am fully capable of being able to sniff a smartie without getting smacked off my tits on E numbers. If i wanted to do that – i’d just do drugs. And even then i’d only do it on the weekends – and lunchbreaks.

3. You must be over 25 and have a full clean driving license.  – BOLLOCKS. The fact i can’t drive screws me over again. To be fair i should have seen that coming. It is a van after all. Maybe i could joyride? No, best not. There’s is definitely no street cred in joyriding a chocolate van. People will just think i’m a greedy bitch.

So i need someone to be my business partner. I’m hoping that Bex will do it, if i can convince her to let some of her morals ‘slip’. I have already devised a business plan in order to make the offer so irresistable that she can’t say no.

Here goes…

Dear Bex,

You like chocolate. I’m more of a savoury person, but i do like chocolate aswell. And we can always discuss ordering some of those chocolate covered pretzels in to satisfy both our needs when we get the business up and running. You are not 25 but can drive. I am 25 but cannot drive. You have blonde hair. I do not. I have a wide selection of wigs. I don’t think you do…? Can you see where i’m going with this? Good. All you need to do, is don a wig of your choice from my vast array of styles, then head down to the DVLA and pretend to be me (you need to work on the accent, and your walk) and pass my driving test for me. With as many minors as you can possible manage. Don’t make me look stupid. Then when all the documents come through, we will drive our Chocolate Van in sugary unison all over the country. We will make more money with it than anyone has before, because we will be shrewd and cunning busineess women. We shall park up outside hospitals and clinics on blood donation days – offering a sugary boost to the do-gooders instead of that crap old cracker they give you. Selfishly gaining from their selflessness. This is just the start of it Bex, i have so many more ideas. We will wear comedy name badges, and call ourselves ‘Type 1’ and ‘Type 2’ – in reference to the epidemic of Diabetes we will be spreading across the nation. It will be beautiful Bex, but more importantly. It will be ours. Please think about it. Be the woman i always thought you were.

My Warmest Wishes,

Kaz xx

If Bex rejects my foolproof plan and you the casual reader think this sounds like the job for you. For us. Then please do not hesitate to contact me*.

*(Topic lovers need not apply. You’re disgusting)

Sweet Like Chocolate, Boy.

Bang xx


1 Comment

Filed under Good God I need A Hobby

One response to “The Chocolate Van Business Plan

  1. Bex

    Dearest Kaz,

    I do indeed like chocolate. (On Easter Sunday alone I troughed through 3 big eggs and the various choccy attachments that come with them. I’m kind of half-proud, half-ashamed). Because of this I can confirm that when it comes to chocolate businesses, I have no morals to worry about.

    Anyway. I would be both ecstatic and elated to take part in this Chocolate Van of which you speak. If my many frustrating driving lessons weren’t for this kind of use, then what *were* they for, eh? I’m also quite happy to morph into you for the sake of paperwork, although I fear I’ll look like some budget Karen Bevan tribute act.

    Finally, I suggest we also set up camp outside Weight Watcher meetings. You just KNOW we can sucker in those lost souls.

    Yours in chocolatey faith,


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