Horrorscope: Serial Killers and their Star Signs

 Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce to you my new favourite pastime; Serial Killer Star Signs.

Anyone who knows me will already be aware that I live my life by four different horoscopes on a daily basis. Don’t judge me. I’m painfully conscious of the fact that it’s pathetic, but everyone needs a hobby… and I haven’t got the knees for netball. Or the motivation. But I do have asthma.

 I check them religiously, and basically abide by everything they tell me. I won’t sign a contract on a Mars/Venus day, i will fall in love with a foreigner on demand and I once even wrapped a Gold watch in my lottery ticket and kept it in my pocket for two days because Mystic Meg told me it would make me win the lottery.

Needless to say – it didn’t.

I suspect it was for one of two reasons. Either Mystic Meg was lying and using both her ‘psychic ability’ and affiliation to the National Lottery as some sort of cheap yet very effective marketing ploy which preys on the poor and gullible (me). Or…it was because the watch was actually only Gold plated.  In that case, Meg should know that if I could afford any other jewellery that didn’t come from the Elizabeth Duke section in the Argos catalogue then I probably wouldn’t need to win the lottery in the first place. Nor would I be holed up in a single room in South London living off my sister’s scraps like a stray cat in a Spanish harbour. And I most certainly would not be seriously considering adverts on Gumtree that say ‘Attractive City Lawyer Offering Free Accommodation For Intimacy’.   

No. I’d be sat here dictating this whole blog to one of my two man servants, on a boat, while the other one ‘Ped Egg’d’ my feet.    

I’ll leave that image with you for a moment…

Even though there is plentiful evidence to suggest that they are load of bollocks, I still can’t help but get sucked in by my horoscopes and then be bitterly disappointed when they don’t come true. Admittedly, the mere fact that Russell Grant can predict your ‘Gay Horoscope’ and your ‘Pet Horoscope’ when he still hasn’t predicted his own impending heart attack should probably give me some inkling that they are in fact a load of aforementioned bollocks.  Alas, it does not. It only makes me wonder why my life according to Mr Grant, would appear to be so much richer if I were in fact a lesbian – or a fish.

And why do I believe them? I hear you cry. Well I’ll tell you for why… Jonathan Cainer. That’s why.

That man is a genius. His character profiles of the star signs are spot on.

I urge you to go on his website and exploit his ‘Find Something Unique Out About Your Friend’ feature. All he needs is someone’s name, birth date and gender and he can describe them like a long lost relative. I was so impressed by his powers that after checking through all my friends character profiles, I felt compelled to test his knowledge further…really push him to his limits.

Famous Sportsmen? No, too competitive. Pop Stars? No, too obvious…

Hitler? Now we’re talking.

And so I developed my new favourite hobby: Serial Killer Star Signs.

In the words of the great Neil Buchannan “Try It Yourself”… It’s brilliant.

Here are a few of my favourite ones just to get you started – with a famous dictator thrown in for good measure.

  • Adolf Hitler – A very Special Aries

Adolf Hitler is an energetic Aries with an irrepressible zest for (German) life. When you need a problem solving or a decision making, Adolf Hitler is the ideal candidate for the job. If you are ever worried about how to handle something – or you need someone you can absolutely rely on – Adolf will be the first to stride forward boldly declaring “Don’t worry we’ll soon sort THIS out.”

And, what’s more, he will. (I had heard…)

Adolf Hitler is not the kind of person to issue an empty promise (to quote the man himself: “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it and eventually they will believe it”).

 What Adolf says Adolf does – regardless of the consequences (clearly)! That’s part of the trouble. Adolf just doesn’t know how to play the game of ‘consequences’. He likes to live for the moment. He likes to throw himself passionately into whatever he happens to be feeling, thinking right here right now. That’s why Adolf usually ends up getting whatever he wants. (“I vant Poland! Mine!”) That’s also why, regardless of what he gets, he always ends up wanting something else! (“Zis Poland is shizer …I vant Russsia! Mine!”)

It is not that Adolf is fickle, more that he is fast. Fast on the uptake, fast on the trigger, fast on his feet and fast with his thoughts. He may give you the impression of being calm, and measured but inside his head, there’s a state of the art computer, processing information at the speed of light. His ideas are not the only things that can come and go in a hurry. Sometimes Adolf ‘s moods are just as mercurial (yeah, I remember that awkward ‘Genocide’ phase he went through…) One moment he is secretly seething, the next; perfectly poised. You can usually tell though – because Adolf rarely hides his feelings. (“I just plain don’t like Jews, zats all.”)

(Wait for it… this is the best bit…)

You can’t help loving Adolf Hitler because no matter what he does or what he says you know that he has a heart as big as a mountain.


  • Ted Bundy – A very special Sagittarius.

Ted Bundy is a great intellectual. He is also a great adventurer, a great party animal, a great judge of character, a great conversationalist, a great comedian, a great philosopher and a great self publicist (and murderer). Indeed, Ted Bundy is rather of the opinion that if anything in this world is ‘great’ it must (be killed?) have his name on it and if it isn’t, maybe he will (just put his penis in it?) try it anyway and make it great by the simple act of lending his name to it. Ted is a Sagittarian and there are two things that no Sagittarian can resist (Women? Rohypnol?).

The first is a challenge. The second is a tendency to exaggerate. Therefore whatever Ted Bundy sets out to accomplish in this world must be: a) difficult and b) big. Why set out to climb a piffling little hill like Everest when there are mountains on Mars that are truly steep? All you need is a rope (an important part of any serial killers kit), a pick (i think it’s a typo, they forgot the ‘r’) and a spaceship. In Ted’s mind, this represents a perfectly logical thought process. Who cares whether he actually manages to get to Mars? He will have fun trying and at least, if he tells enough people that this is his plan, nobody will ever think of him as boring. (He certainly was not that)

Here we have the essence of Ted Bundy’s biggest secret fear. Ted Bundy is absolutely terrified that one day someone will rumble him. Oh shame of shames, what will he do then? (Go to prison…) To keep this dreadful possibility at bay, Ted will go to any length, he will climb any mountain and he will swim any sea (and burn the evidence…). Or perhaps, more realistically, Ted will set out to prove that he really is a great intellectual\adventurer\philosopher (rapist?). And much to everyone’s surprise in the fullness of time… it will all turn out to be true!

  • Dr. Harold Shipman – A very special Capricorn

Harold Shipman is an unsung hero (ooh, I wouldn’t say that), an undiscovered genius (or that)…and an unknown quantity (or that). It is because Harold is such an unknown quantity that his heroism goes unsung and his genius undiscovered. Some people will blow their own trumpets from the highest hill even when those trumpets are battered and badly out of tune. Harold is rather the opposite. No matter how bright the light inside him shines, he will always find a bushel big enough to hide it under. (So modest) Harold wants to be thought of as stable, steady and solid. He tries his best to do what the world expects of him, he wants to be a trooper – a loyal, reliable, down-to-earth kind of character. In the attempt to give this impression Harold strives to be restrained (he probably could have tried harder though to be honest) and realistic. He almost succeeds. Through diligent effort Harold manages to persuade himself and the rest of the watching world that he is a known quantity (well done Harold, you infamous old killer, you.). At best he will allow himself to be known for his talent in one particular area (murder) or for his courage with regard to one particular topic.

Deep down inside Harold yearns to be wild and crazy, footloose and fancy-free. He wants to break the rules, question convention and court controversy. Only one thing stops him – a little voice in the back of his head that says “Excuse me, who do you think you are? That’s not the kind of activity that Harold Shipman can get away with.” (Apparently not)

If you want to be a true friend to Harold Shipman you must encourage him to ignore that voice. (NOW you tell me? Doh!) He will love you for it and he won’t need much encouraging. Harold Shipman was born to be brilliant. He was destined to be daring. One day he will realise this and then…the world had better look out. (Or just ward 10 of Tameside General…)

Well, we all have our quirks…

“Knowing Me, Knowing You…A-Haa!”


(I cannot stress enough that all of this is meant in jest – i’m 30% sure that Jonathan Cainer is not a subscriber to True Crimes Weekly…although he did ‘become a fan’ of Fred West on Facebook the other day…)



Filed under Good God I need A Hobby

2 responses to “Horrorscope: Serial Killers and their Star Signs

  1. Benjamin

    Really interesting read and I enjoyed the humour which was infused beautifully. Studying the psychopaths star signs is something I’ve found interesting for some time now. In my experience one sign seems to surface a little more than all the other for psychopathic traits (not necessarily murder, although it could well be). All the best.

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