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Educating Dudley: The Deleted Scenes

Ever since I spotted the grinning brunette, proudly announcing that she’s shaved all her eyebrows off on the advert, i’ve been looking forward to watching Channel 4’s new documentary Educating Yorkshire.

Today, is that day and I genuinely couldn’t be more excited. I’ve only seen 15 minutes of it, and I already have a strange affection for all of them, especially the wrong ‘uns. And i’ve got a bit of a crush on Mr Burton. Although, hilarious TV viewing as it may be, I can’t help but think that some of these kids are going to be cringing when they see what they’re like on sceen. I have to take my tiny little top hat off to the teachers & kids alike for opening up their gates and their lives for our entertainment.

We do stupid things when we’re kids.

We say stupid things when we’re kids – and oh boy, do we look stupid when we’re kids.

That’s why i’m so glad they never made a documentary about my school, otherwise the entire nation would have seen some pretty embarrassing character defining moments in my life.

For your amusement, i’ve compiled a short-list of my Top 5 Things The Nation Never Needed To See, below:  

  1. The time I proudly drew a massive can of Coke all over my essay about The Industrial Revolution, because I genuinely thought that’s what they meant powered the trains back then.
  2. That I used to get all of my P.E kit from the lost property box, and even had a favourite pair of lost property trainers that I used to hide in a cupboard so no one else would claim the rotten things as their own.
  3. The time I asked Mrs Foxall for a threesome.
  4. Every single mufty day that ever existed where I thought wearing a fake Spanish market Adidas tracksuit with two stripe jogging bottoms and a pair of loafers was a good idea. Or, failed to realise that I looked like Pauline Quirke in my brother’s denim shirts and my sister’s green chequered trousers.
  5. The strange phase I went through of pouring cans of cherry coke into empty pump sprays from the Body Shop, because I thought I looked cooler spraying fizzy pop into my big fat mouth instead of drinking it – but all that happened was that I was just really bloody thirsty all the time and everything tasted like Vanilla Musk.

In my defence, I was in character for #3, during a very surreal drama lesson. But it still doesn’t make the memory any less painful.

So there you go. That’s just 5 things that C4 producers missed out on by not commissioning Educating Dudley. And we haven’t even discussed the fact that I looked like Waynetta Slob from the age of 10 to at least 21 – OR the rest of the ridiculous things that my friends and other school mates did.

And we definitely haven’t mentioned the time my brother accidentally walked to school with one of mine & my sisters training bra’s hanging off his backpack.

Ah yes, that was fun.

The best days of your life, indeed. 

 

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kxx

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